Well, it’s officially day one of my new life. Yesterday I met up with a friend for coffee and we talked about the events of the last few days. She admitted that she’d been concerned about me. Apparently, she’d never seen me so close to suicide before. I guess things I said; things like “My life is just pointless, if this is all there is…” and the like could be considered that way. For me, they were just how I was feeling, and a mental push to find something MORE. Something to make things worthwhile again.
This morning I woke up full of positive thoughts; I got out of bed with a spring in my step, a feeling that things will start getting better. Of course, this didn’t mean that I stopped taking my medication or anything (that way likes stupid), but it did mean that I made myself a coffee, went out on the balcony and did a bit of stretching and my ‘version’ of Yoga (I am not the most graceful or most co-ordinated of people), and then just soaked up the sun for a little before coming inside. I did some job searching – but first thing on a Monday is never the best time for that – contacted the Teacher Training place to find out more about what is on offer, and then noted everything down in my journal for the DWP. I know that being on the ball is not going to make them treat me any better, but at least if I show that I know what I am doing, that I am actually doing everything I can and that I really do want to get back into work I am doing what is right for ME. Ultimately that’s what is most important.
This afternoon I have that meeting with the DWP, it’s at a really random time, but I am hoping by being prepared I cut the meeting to the bare minimum (15 minutes), I can get all the information I need, provide them with all the information they need, and move on with things. I don’t want to experience the same delays I got last time…9 weeks with no money while my pitiful savings (which, thanks to having zero notice on my redundancy and a rather low salary to begin with, are virtually non-existent). I have all my paperwork clipped together, have filled in my journal with everything I have done since Friday afternoon (which is already a page’s worth of notes), and I have a few questions to ask them. They expect a lot of really ridiculous things (35 hours a week of job hunting…searching for a job that is up to 90 minutes away by public transport, and if you get offered a job, so long as it means you are going to be off benefits, you have to accept it). However, this time I am not going into it with a ‘woe is me’ attitude. This time I am in charge, I know what I am doing (sort of) and I actually don’t feel negative. Granted, when the weather changes who knows what will happen, but right now things are good.
Mentally I am prepared for whatever happens next. I have the support of friends (and surprisingly, family), and I think that I handled everything that happened last week with dignity. I didn’t freak out, didn’t yell, shout, cry. I said “thank you,” packed all my stuff up, waved goodbye to everyone, and when they asked what I was going to do next I said “enjoy the sunshine…” which is exactly what I plan to do.
If anyone else is out there looking for a new job, keep your chin up. Enjoy the good weather, don’t push yourself to the point you break. Something will happen, and you will find something. I am determined that this time nothing is going to make me cry, rejection is just another word, and if you aren’t right for one thing you will be right for something else. That said, I do miss the days when you used to actually get replies and acknowledgements from companies when you applied.
Another thing that has made me feel better is the fact that I have blocked all my old colleagues’ numbers on my phone. Now that I no longer work there I have zero responsibility to provide anything in the form of further handover.