Apparently, from my experience, a watched pot never boils, a clock never ticks over to 4pm when you are looking at it, and a constantly checked phone never blinking well rings!
Last week I had an interview for a job I really want. I was dosed up on painkillers (as my sinuses had decided on Tuesday that they were going to start playing up and caused something resembling a migraine that just wouldn’t quit), and had just started on a very strong antibiotic to hopefully do something about the infection (as I write this I am still suffering, and it’s gross). I can just about remember that I think I did well. I do recall that they said “You’re clearly a good all-rounder”. And they asked me about why I wanted the job. I am sure I said something erudite and perhaps a little bit witty, but now I look back on it, I really cannot remember, for the life of me, the exchange as it actually occurred.
After I left the interview my phone pinged with a notification from LinkedIn informing me that one of the people who interviewed me had checked out my profile. At the time I believed this to be a positive thing, and a little bit of me still does. However, they said “We’ll be letting everyone know at the beginning of the week,” and it’s now Tuesday, and I have yet to hear anything. I have to admit that I emailed them yesterday to let them know that I had enjoyed meeting them and looked forward to hearing from them, but I didn’t hear anything in return. This could have one of two (I believe) meanings: 1) they decided to go another way and are waiting for that other person to accept before they tell everyone else no; 2) they haven’t decided and didn’t want to either get hopes up, or dismiss them before they had made their minds up.
As I headed to work yesterday morning, feeling incredibly rough, with one eye still disgustingly crusty (thanks sinuses) and bruised, and the other strained from over-compensating, I realised that I really didn’t want to be doing this journey any longer. The bus ride in itself would be fine, if it weren’t followed with a day that I am increasingly finding demotivating.
When I was unemployed I actually missed the camaraderie of the office, remembering with relative fondness the desk lunches, the jokey meetings, the ad hoc “just going to get a coffee and sit in the kitchen” moments. There is none of that here. Not because it doesn’t happen, but because I am the oldest member of our team, have nothing in common with the rest of them besides a love of the written word, and I am a late addition to the group. I feel like an outsider looking in through a window and no amount of trying has made a difference. When I first started they invited me to lunch (and even though I was still adjusting my budget because being unemployed for five months does affect that bank account health, I accepted every time), we even went out just to shop (and I am not a keen shopper, at all), but very quickly they continued on with their routine and I didn’t want to horn in, so I have continued to sit on the outside looking in and feeling incredibly out of place.
No, this isn’t a “please feel sorry for me” moment. Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful (and relieved) to have a job which means that I can pay my bills and start sorting my life out again, but I never wanted 5am wake-up alarms and 6am bus journeys to become a thing; to become my thing! I have very little time at home to enjoy, I have misplaced friendships because I am no longer able to go out on a Wednesday night for drinks and a movie (seriously, a movie that starts 30 minutes before my necessary bedtime is not something that will make the next working day any easier to get through – I have tried). Darcy misses me during the day, and I knew when I got her this would be the case, however, I did not anticipate I would sometimes be out of the home for more than 13 hours because of bad traffic, or a late meeting.
I am going to be disappointed if this job doesn’t happen, of course I am, though if it proves to be that someone else is more qualified than me then there is nothing I can do to change that (the decision is not mine to make, and I can’t change what has happened this late in the game). But I am not going to let it stop me from eventually accomplishing my goal of working that much closer to home. It’s very difficult to find a job in my home town that pays a salary a single woman can live on, but I will do it somehow. If the sinus attack I have had (second one in six months by the way) has shown me anything, it’s that my health is starting to suffer. The continual early mornings and late nights (my neighbour is an inconsiderate ass) are starting to get to me; I need more of a sleep-in, 7.30am sounds about right.
I guess this post is more of a distraction; I am waiting rather anxiously for the phone to ring. If it doesn’t then it clearly wasn’t meant to be and I just need to go back to the drawing board, but that doesn’t mean I can’t hope!